Being Tested or Testing (a post about self-destruction)

“There are seeds of self-destruction in all of us that will bear only unhappiness if allowed to grow.”  Dorothea Brande (Photo from iStock)

“There are seeds of self-destruction in all of us that will bear only unhappiness if allowed to grow.”
Dorothea Brande (Image from iStock)

Last Monday, I felt like I was being tested.

Not quite like Job from the Bible, mind you, but his trials did come to mind that evening around 11:59. Yes, I was being dramatic.

Working on my blog, the perfect photo wouldn’t load, which, after many tries, caused the words not to load. I’ve had trouble before with images, but never content.

Frustrated doesn’t come close to describing how I felt, especially since I recently committed to post every Monday – an agreement that lasted a whole three weeks between God, my blog, and me.

There was another emotion too. I had a pang of guilt that I might be testing.

Sometimes I set up myself, you know, to test whether I’ll do what I say I’m going to do – test to see if I can trust myself. Oh, if I tell you I’ll clean your house on Wednesday, I’ll be there even if I have to crawl through the front door and scrub in between eating saltines. I don’t, however, afford myself that same trustworthiness. I let myself down at every turn.

It crossed my mind when I couldn’t get anything loaded last week that maybe, just maybe, I unintentionally (but at some level, on purpose) did something to keep the post from going live.

In other words, I think I was set up – by me.

I don’t know how I did it, but I have a suspicion as to why.

I’m self-destructive.

I think we all are from time to time.

Self-destruction looks like failing to reach our goals, overeating, chaotic relationships, wrecks, job loss, poor health. Not always our fault, but we would do ourselves a favor to look hard and review our responsibility before we accuse our circumstances.

Personally, I like to blame Eve and the apple, but blame won’t carry on my blog.  

When have you let yourself down, then tried to blame something or someone else? What do you need to take responsibility for in order to move on with your life?

Write wHere I’m supposed to be – Dear God, help us trust ourselves one action at a time.


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