I Wish I Were Dead

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“Do you feel like you’re dying? You’re really being born.” Jackie Doubles (Artwork by Kelly Rae Roberts)

“Do you feel like you’re dying? You’re really being born.” Jackie Doubles (Artwork by Kelly Rae Roberts)

After reading Dave Hamlin’s blog post Wanted: Dead and Alive, I think I got it.

Dave describes better than I ever could what God’s been up to for the last, oh, I don’t know, 55 or so years of my life. The last eight have been especially significant, as well as especially painful. I felt abandoned by him, but knew better. Still, I couldn’t pinpoint the lesson while battling self-doubt and depression.

There was my broken knee that kept me stuck for months in a leg cast, a broken nose that gave way to recognizing how much self-hatred I still harbored, my broken spirit that suffered through dark periods I hope are gone forever, and broken relationships that I thought would mend with time, but didn’t.

God’s been using all this brokenness to make me more whole than ever, but not until he killed me dead, like Dave says in his post (you have to read it).

Here it is in his words:

“After this event (Dave receiving a message from God through an inscription by writer Elisabeth Elliot), Jesus gave me about three decades to embrace His message, but I never really got around to dying. So Jesus began killing me.”

That’s it. Jesus wanted me dead to what others think and how much stuff I have and how many Facebook friends like me and how many publications print my writing, all so I can live his way.

The better way.

The freer way.

Since I don’t relinquish control easily, mine’s been a slow death.

I have, however, felt more alive this past month than in a decade. Apparently, nothing does as much for the body and soul as a good killing.

What in your life needs to be killed off so you can live the life God has planned for you?

“I've broken open many times. But I am not broken. I'm just alive.” quote and artwork by Kelly Rae Roberts

“I’ve broken open many times. But I am not broken. I’m just alive.” quote and artwork by Kelly Rae Roberts

WRite wHere I’m supposed to be – I’m willing to keep being broken open, to keep dying until I’m fully alive. Are you with me?

On the side: Thanks to Beth Vogt and her daughter, Katie Beth, for introducing me to Dave’s blog. Thanks to Dave for time and again writing relatable posts full of truth and light.

Visit Dave’s blog @ http://drawingfromexperienceblog.wordpress.com and artist Kelly Rae Roberts’ website @ http://kellyraeroberts.com.

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13 responses »

  1. I wish I were dead too, Kim.Your question:What in your life needs to be killed off so you can live the life God has planned for you? — that’s a powerful one. You’ve got me thinking … really, really hard …

    • Beth, I wish we could talk this over at Blue Ridge. John asked the other day if I wanted to go.

      The first year I attended, I signed up the week of, so I bet it’s not too late. Wish I could convince myself I was supposed to be there, all the while, my schedule here fills up more by the day. Post lots of pictures while you’re there.

      Love you and your encouraging comments. Thank you for everything.

  2. Kim, this really makes you think. What in my life needs to be killed off so I can live the life God planned for me? Thanks for sharing.

    • Hey, Mary Sue. I’m sure there’s more killing to do on this end, but I’m happy to be through some of it. I sure appreciate you stopping by.

      Are you going to Blue Ridge? I’m skipping it this year, but reminiscing of all the fun and meeting you.

  3. Kim

    Couldn’t help but think of the prayer of St Francis NOTE last line.

    Lord, make me an instrument of your peace, Where there is hatred, let me sow love; Where there is injury, pardon; Where there is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; Where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love. For it is in giving that we receive. It is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is IN DYING THAT WE ARE BORN TO ETERNAL LIFE. Amen.

    Bob

    • Bob, that prayer is probably my favorite, even over the Serenity Prayer. I’m surprised I didn’t think of it when writing this post. Since I didn’t, I’m very grateful you reminded me of it. Thank you.

  4. I so remembered the day I died…not literally…but, it changed so many things in my life…I let go and let God be in control…FINALLY… and it has been so good!

    • Our own deaths are certainly memorable, Marilyn. And to think, we lived to tell about them. 🙂 Reading your comment makes me feel free. Letting go is such a wonderful action.

    • Thanks for always being an encourager and sharer, Cynthia. Sorry I missed both your calls today. Would love to have talked. If you get a chance, will you send me the link when you post it? I’d llke to share it on FB.

      I appreciate your friendship!

  5. Good stuff Kim. In a I-didn’t-really-want-to-hear-this sort of way. Dealing with some high hurtles in my life right now and the the reluctance to give up control comment really resonated. Thank you also for introducing me to Dave Hamlins – between his insights and his artwork I am smitten!

    • Shel, I get it. I have to work daily on giving up control. I just happen to like life to go my way! Of course, in hindsight, I think, “No, I really didn’t want that after all.” I’m a handful for me and for God, I’m sure.

      Happy you checked out Dave’s blog. I’m smitten too.

  6. From Facebook –

    Summer Turner, Barbara Barksdale, Diane Wilson Dale and 2 others like this.

    Jennifer Deshler Needed this!
    May 13 at 11:37pm via mobile · Unlike · 1

    Kim Henson Thanks for stopping by to read and comment, Jennifer Deshler.
    May 13 at 11:58pm · Like

    Summer Turner Profound. You are one of those who will heal the world by sharing your journey. That’s the thought that just came through me.
    May 14 at 10:58am via mobile · Unlike · 1

    Kim Henson I love that thought, Summer Turner. I’m holding onto it and hoping to do my part.
    May 14 at 4:49pm · Like · 1

    Sharron Knight Cosby This is a wonderful message. Thanks for sharing.
    May 14 at 10:56pm via mobile · Unlike · 1

    Kim Henson Thanks so much, Sharron Knight Cosby. I road the coattails of Dave Hamlin – his post really enlightened me to what’s been going on in my life.
    May 15 at 1:43am · Like

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