What If I Fly?

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“What if I fail? Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?” Erin Hanson

Since my ballet and clogging days, I’d wanted to dance upfront one more time. Teaching Zumba seemed a low stress way until my classes filled up. It’s not like I packed in hundreds of people, but the more students who came, the more pressure I felt to keep them coming.

When the gym closed, I turned down jobs to teach at the local recreation center, a karate studio, and a private gym. I was happy to run from my Zumba teaching days.

The same thing’s happening all over again even though I’m no Chewbacca Mom. Blog readers and viewers keep showing up, so I have to also. And to keep you reading and viewing, I have to keep coming up with content. You know, I have to write reader-worthy stuff and say viewer-worthy things.

I question being up for the challenge.

“Don’t let your fear of what could happen make nothing happen.” Unknown

I can’t believe for a second I envied Derek Harvey, fellow blogger whose blog post went viral. His post titled “The Silent Killer of Relationships” reached more than a million views and almost overnight. I choke a little thinking about the hundreds of comments he was left to answer. I congratulated him and told him it was a blogger’s dream while heading back to the safety of my dozens of readers and a handful of comments. His might be a blogger’s dream, but mine is an introvert’s dream – a few close friends commenting, and then going to bed.

On the heels of his viral blog post, Candace Payne’s original Facebook video about the Chewbacca mask was viewed 158 million times and shared 3,349,721. She’s clearly enjoying the publicity, giveaways, and travel. If you don’t know about her, click Chewbacca Mom.

I thought, Why couldn’t that be me?

Next thought, I’d have a nervous breakdown.

Her stardom brought me to my knees, not to beg for it, but to barter against it.

Dear God, please spare me that kind of exposure unless I’m feeling skinny, keeping self-doubt at bay, and John says my hair’s looking stylish. If people watch my videos, let every single one of them Love me and Love everything I say. No negative comments, please. Not one. And hold my hand so my feet can’t run away from the 40 friends who do continue to show up and say kind things. Amen.

I felt stuck thinking, I’ve begun it, so I have to keep up this blogging and video thing.

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An argument ensued in my head because, actually, I don’t have to keep blogging and vlogging. I can run like Forrest because, like one voice said, “It’s better to leave them before they leave you.”

Another said, “Pray all you want, the more readers and viewers, the more criticism.”

The loudest voice mocked, “What are you worried about anyway? Like you said, you’re no Chewbacca Mom.”

I thought, I already acknowledged I’m not Candace Payne, but my videos aren’t flops.

“Not yet, but isn’t that what you’re afraid of? It’s just a matter of time before your ideas and your viewers dry up.”

I’d heard enough.

I’m up late (again) and confessing, not so you’ll comment, “Keep blogging and vlogging,” but so I’ll come to that conclusion myself. #GettingYourOwnLife

It’s like when my husband John consoled my fear of heights when he told me I didn’t have to hike. He suggested I spend the night at the hotel while he and our kids trekked the Grand Canyon. I could tell he didn’t understand why I had to do it. I wasn’t even sure. I just knew I did.

“Running away from any problem only increases the distance from the solution.” Unknown

Running from Zumba wasn’t the same, but the thought of running from blogging and vlogging put me back at the canyon’s edge. I can’t explain it, but I can’t run. I have to do it.

I think it has to do with being impassioned, and the quandary of passion is it’s so important I can’t run and so important, running’s all I want to do so I won’t fail.

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What’s so important that it keeps you from running away, but makes you want to?

“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.” Nelson Mandela

In This Together,
Kim

Click here to read Running Scared, an older blog post on this same topic.

Thanks to Joel Carter for the magnificent ferris wheel photo, and to Pixabay.com for the others.

 

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27 responses »

  1. Sometimes I feel this way. Ok , more than sometimes. Some of the biggest players in the Bible ran from their mission in life. So, we are in good company if that is what we choose. But, they also had a passion so great that kept them moving forward. We have that as well. Whether 40, 000 readers or 40, or even 1, our contributions are more valuable than even we can measure. Love you!

    • These are words of wisdom, Jenine. I like it when I can relate to the characters in the Bible … and they were characters and so am I. LoL. We are in good company.

      I always say, “If this just makes a difference to one person …” and I mean it until I start to write and panic and shut down and … well, you know the drill. 🙂

      I love you too! ❤

  2. Kim,
    Don’t feel like you “have” to do anything to get your own life. Several years ago, I stopped myself and asked, why do I feel like I have to do things, duty, responsibility, fear of disapponting. Or do I really want to do this. Am I passionate about this, Am I doing it because enjoy it, or because of obligation. For too many years I did most everything to suit and please others, fearing not being “perfect” So much so, that even today when I’m asked what “I” want…it can become a difficult choice. “Carter Architecture, Creative Solutions,Listening to You” is coorect, and we must include and consider the impact on others and our life spheres in our decisions.Still learning how to balance, life including my family friends, soul, body, mind, spirit….me… My daughter bought me a book several years ago about procrastination,”Its About Time” by Allen Lakein. Of the 6 types of procrastinators I matched 4. I recall these Perfectionist, Dreamer, Worrier, (Fear of Failure, Fear of Success. Life is a journey, Ain’t it grand?. I must say I have begun to learn. You are not obligated to your followers, readers, friends or others expectations …You, get to choose.

    • Joel, you could blog and have many followers. Your comment is so good. You’re absolutely right, and I’ve watched you transform since you’ve been doing what you love. You’re photography is amazing. It’s obvious it is what you love doing, but even that, you can stop if it stops being enjoyable. It is about asking ourselves what we want. And you’re right, after years of doing what I think others expect, sometimes I have trouble answering my own question. I need to apply the rule of my closet to my life. Before I buy anything, I ask, “Do you love it?” I need to do the same with my activities … every. single. one.

      Thanks! I so appreciate you and your comment. I do get to choose. 🙂

      • Thank you Kim…

        Going back re reading my comment, I noticed that I had misspelled “correct” Lately I find many mistakes like that. That reminds me of a time when my wife,Tanda, was working with me typing specifications on a Corps of Engineers project.and misspelled “quality control” We had a big laugh over that and are always reminded we all make mistakes.

      • That is funny, Joel. We do all make mistakes and it makes me feel a lot more comfortable when I’m surrounded by friends who can laugh about it instead of trying to be perfect. That’s exhausting!

  3. Oh Kim, you are once again in my head. I’ve been putting off blogging or writing all week (even cleaned under the bathroom sink) because I wasn’t sure I could come up with content to top my last blog post, the one on sexual assault. That went sort of viral, at least viral for me. It felt great and then I thought, what do I do next, and had no answers. My passion for writing keeps me doing it and also makes me want to run away, because I know if I am successful I will alienate some people, probably family members. I believe those of us who believe in each other without judgment and without past baggage need to keep encouraging each other to not run away, to put on our big girl panties every day and do the next thing. Easier said than done but a buddy helps.

    • Oh, Mary, you’re right! I didn’t think about you and your last blog post. It was unbelievably relevant and touched so many people and it did go viral … it was viral enough for me too! I was so impressed and it was exciting to watch it go.

      But then I hear your flipside and I wonder why I continue to tell myself I’m the only one struggling with this stuff, which is why it’s so important to write about it. And, yes, a buddy helps. Keep writing because so many of us can relate to you and we need to hear what you have to say. ❤

      One day, may all our posts go viral. 🙂

    • Oh goodness, @marywilsonsblog , you wrote a post on sexual assault? I really truly need to read it. I want to write one as well. I NEED to write one as well. Do I love it? No. I really don’t. But, will it help ME? Yes, I know it truly will, and at the same time, others as well. Its a gutsy thing. I guess I need to go and read. and maybe reread.

      • She did, Jenine, and it’s a heart-wrenching and helpful post for all women whether we’ve been through a similar experience or not, because we’ve all been through something and most of us have blamed ourselves in some way, and then been ashamed about it and too afraid to speak up about it. I’ll post a link to it here.

      • Yes, I just read it and I commented. Actually I cried all the way through it. For me it has not been 20 years, although time really does not change that much. But time does make the memory a bit more distant. For me, it is too fresh to even want to “go there”, but maybe for me its time.

      • I’m so sorry you can relate, Jenine. I haven’t heard that part of your story, and probably for the reason you mentioned. It’s too soon. I’m really sorry. ❤

        I know Mary hit a nerve with a lot of women. The abuse I went through began when I was around 12, so it's a very distant memory and I think I've worked through it. You never know about those sorts of things, though. They have a way of showing up at the most "inconvenient" (thought you'd appreciate that word) time. If you want to share any of it privately before you share in a blog post, I'm here and I think it's safe to say Mary is also. She's another advocate for women and for our healing. I love you.

      • Thank you Kim, and yes, I appreciated the word inconvenient. lol. It never ceases to amaze me that when it is time to heal something or to know something, God always presents it. It might not feel like it is the right time, especially with those hard inconvenient things. I’m beginning to think that this is my time for healing this particular issue. Its been a theme of some sort lately and it has been presenting itself over and over again. Its hard, because I don’t really want to look at it and the details to tell are not very pleasant at all. But, I did start a blog post draft and it has to be a process of letting the right things out and keeping to myself what should be kept. Is a discerning process I think. I can tell the basics, and I think I would be ok. The more difficult ones are the parts that bring the wounds. But even in the reality that the theme has been presented , it tells me that we have a wonderfully gracious God who cares enough to bring out even the worst things in order to turn them into the best.

      • Pastor Jenine, I’m sorry to hear that you also experienced sexual assault. I know there are many more out there who have not told their stories. And I think churches are in a unique position to help in this ministry. I see part of my calling in this life to help people, especially women, heal and move forward, and I think it’s easier for them to do that when women in church leadership, clergy or laypeople, come forward and tell their stories. For me, this “cleansing” began in earnest this past January when I gave a testimony to the congregation of the church I belong to about how and why I left the church for 27 years but ultimately returned. The essence of that testimony is on my blog in the post “Faith–and Music–Lost and Regained” from 3/2016. I look forward to reading your story whenever you feel it’s the right time to share it.

        Kim, thanks for the kind words and continued encouragement.

      • Thank you Mary, I also believe in working toward healing women. It seems to be a topic of conversation a lot for me and others these days. All I can think of is that God loves us so much that He is pressing into us to help make us whole. I know inside that in order to start that process it needs to be opened up and talked about. I work more outside the church right now until God shows me otherwise. I Pastored for a time and was a speaker at other churches for a time as well. All I can believe is that God has different things in store for this season and emotional healing for women seems to be on the top of one of His lists.

      • I appreciate that I’m surrounded by women who want to support each other and other women. ❤ I can't believe how God's brought y'all and others into my life.

    • Thanks so much, Sharon. ❤ I really appreciate your kind comment and your encouragement.

      Self-doubt has probably been the number one thing I've held myself back with. It's made me ask over and over "Why bother?"and it's kept me stuck in questioning every goal I’ve ever had.

      I'm happy to say these days, I’m letting self-doubt go more, and moving forward instead. Writing about it helps!

  4. From Facebook (Kim Henson) ~

    Laura Bowers, Holly Massey and 9 others

    Jenine Marie Howry This is a good post Kim Henson ! Love it
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · July 9 at 11:52am

    Kim Henson Thanks so much, Jenine Marie Howry. ❤ I got up this morning and thought, "Why'd I name it 'What If I Fail?'" Isn't it funny what a good night's sleep can do? I hope you're feeling better for the weekend.
    Like · Reply · 1 · July 9 at 11:55am

    Jenine Marie Howry Kim Henson recovering ..
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · July 9 at 12:12pm

    Joel Carter 🙂 left a comment. Thoughtful and inspirational
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · July 9 at 12:16pm · Edited

    Kim Henson Thanks for your comment and the photo, Joel Carter. I sure appreciate both.
    Like · Reply · July 9 at 2:08pm

    Joel Carter Always welcome Kim
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · July 9 at 5:33pm

    Jo Ann Sarti Love your words. Keep 'em coming.
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · July 9 at 12:29pm

    Kim Henson Thanks so much, Jo Ann Sarti. ❤ I appreciate your comment.
    Like · Reply · July 9 at 2:09pm

    Mary McKerihan Wilson Another great read. Left a comment.
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · July 9 at 12:36pm

    Kim Henson Thanks so much, Mary McKerihan Wilson.
    Like · Reply · July 9 at 2:09pm

    Summer Turner I feel a hopeful, positive feeling when I read this title. I love the article.
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · July 9 at 2:54pm

    Kim Henson Thanks, Summer Turner. You sparked the new title. I love writing online, so I can keep editing until I like it. (y)
    Like · Reply · 1 · July 9 at 4:52pm

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