Hurting Ourselves For Others (living their expectations instead of our lives)

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“It wasn’t until I began to love myself that I was willing to let others down.” Lucille Zimmerman

When my cowgirl friend told me a story about Bob, I related to her horse like we were old buddies. Bob’s trainer said, “You have to be careful pushing him because he’s a pleaser. He’ll hurt himself for you.”

Unfortunately, people don’t think much about this when it comes to each other, so we push.

Like the church worker who “pushed” – she knew I taught school and had two young children at home, but still asked if I’d help with the youth program. When I turned her down because I was burnt out by late afternoon, she said, “If everyone felt like you, we wouldn’t have a youth program.”

“If everyone felt like me, we shouldn’t have one,” I said. My atypical response even surprised me. 

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Self-care like this, even though the church-worker never did “get it,” would have helped when my family balked at my idea to eat out on Thanksgiving. They pushed for the same meal at Thanksgiving and Christmas, which took days of preparation. I felt overwhelmed locking myself into traditions I didn’t want to keep. Sometimes I’d have to throw out food from the first holiday so I’d have a dish to put the same food in for the second holiday. I wondered if I could get by at Christmas on Thanksgiving’s leftovers.

It would have been a relief to know about self-care when my husband, John, pushed to buy a fishing boat, two jet skis, a Triumph TR6, and two motorcycles. I wanted him to be happy whether I was or not. Spending money on big toys caused a lot of tension I didn’t talk about.

I wish I’d known about self-care when I kept teaching even though the stress of the job contributed to my anxiety and high blood pressure. Plus, I didn’t enjoy a lot of what went along with teaching like scrutiny, endless meetings, and duties outside the classroom. John didn’t mean to push, but he did, when he sat silent while I talked about quitting every August before school restarted. His silence, instead of a discussion about changing careers, made me think I had to go back again and again and again.

When I talked over self-care with a friend whose personality tends to be more like my husband’s than mine, she admitted she wishes she’d encouraged her husband to change jobs sooner.

However, like John, she’s not the caretaker in the family; her husband is. Instead of offering support, she ignored how miserable he was at work for fear he’d quit and put an end to the family’s substantial income. They could live on a lesser budget, but she didn’t want to. It wasn’t because she didn’t care about him, although I’ve thought this of my family and friends when they’ve pushed their agendas that hurt. She pushed because she liked staying home with their babies and being able to spend what she wanted. Her husband’s now working a different job and happier, and they are fine financially.

I admire my friend for piping up about the topic of someone else’s self-care because it’s rare for the person who wants what they want to stop the one who is providing it.

The person in the most pain typically is the one who has to change, but it’s hard because we’re also the ones most caught up in the “push.” We want others to have what they want, and they want that too. We end up pressuring ourselves and so do they. We have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable when others don’t like how we change.

I learned about self-care because of a health scare and depression, because one of my kids urged me to figure it out, and because a doctor warned me if I didn’t pay attention to my physical and emotional health, I wouldn’t be around to see my son and daughter graduate from high school.

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Not overnight, but gradually I’ve pushed myself to change, making strides toward self-care …

The Thanksgiving after I suggested eating out, we did. I made reservations for whoever wanted to join me because I wasn’t cooking. It’s been an annual tradition ever since to try a different restaurant unless our grown children volunteer to make the meal.

I encouraged John to sell everything on wheels in the garage and driveway except his truck and to swap it all for something we both liked riding, a golf cart.

Almost two decades ago, I quit my teaching job a week before school started. I tried to talk Larry, a fellow teacher, into doing the same. He and I talked for an hour about self-care while I sorted through teaching supplies to leave behind for the teacher taking my place. Larry had been offered a job as full-time music minister at a church, but convinced himself he had to teach two more years until his son graduated. He had a heart attack a couple of months later (during a faculty meeting) and died. Sadly, he was the one who didn’t see his child graduate. His death had a big impact on my continued self-care.

Change isn’t easy. Our caring people – parents, spouses, children, friends, bosses – care most about us staying the same because that’s most convenient for them. In the psychology books, this is called homeostasis, which is the tendency to keep things as they are.

Homeostasis is promoted by negative feedback loops like pulling back from something because it hurts.

Change, on the other hand, is promoted by positive feedback loops like noticing exercise makes you feel better so you walk more often. Both loops are necessary.

(The info about homeostasis is from an article by Alison Bonds Shapiro M.B.A., and I’ve shared the link below if you’d like to read more. Also below is a story I heard during one of my counseling classes about homeostasis, and its power to trap us into hurting ourselves for others.)

It’s important to recognize, however, that homeostasis, a necessary state of maintaining sameness, is easier than creative change, a necessary state of constantly transforming.

In other words, it’s a push and pull that keeps life balanced and beautiful. However, few people advocate change when they can’t yet see the beauty. They’re thinking about the change and how it may negatively impact them like giving up the household’s second income.

So, our pain (that may be contributed to by someone else wanting us to stay the same) ends up being ours to fix.

We can let others know what’s going on with us. If they support us, this is a plus. Support makes it easier to implement the change to eliminate our pain. However, when the people we wish were our support group turn away or sit silent because they know our change is going to cost them something too, we have to change anyway. A lot of times, our lives depend on it.

Is there something you need to change because it’s causing you pain? Is there someone who doesn’t want you to change? I hope you’ll care for yourself enough to change anyway.

#selfcaringin2017 #gettingyourownlife #whilelovingthepeopleinit

In This Together,
Kim

“Getting Out of the Way: The Balance Between Homeostasis and Growth” by Alison Bonds Shapiro M.B.A.

Here’s an extreme example of how we hurt ourselves for others, told by one of my professors during a lesson on homeostasis.

A young girl (of a mother who needed to be needed) became confined to a wheelchair almost overnight. She was taken to dozens of doctors, but not one of them came up with a diagnosis. Nothing was wrong, yet nothing gave them any hope she’d walk again. Not physical therapy. Not medication. Not experimental interventions. She stayed in a wheelchair for years until her mother died, and then miraculously got up and walked. She agreed to counseling and being part of a study that verified what doctors suspected – she’d become disabled because she recognized and took responsibility for how desperately her mom needed someone to care for.

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15 responses »

    • Ooooh, Andrew, I wish millions would read it. It could be my first viral blog post. 😉 Actually, I don’t think I could handle that, but it’s a fun thought for a moment. And I’m pretty proud of that comment too. Had to be God, though. I would have said “yes.”

      I’d love to have given you ours just to get it out of the driveway. I hope you get one. I really do.

  1. Realizing these principles is life changing. Releasing ourselvs to selfcare, God care, is “kerioka.” Smiling with you and others, Kim, who have begun to enjoy what I consider the God care and directed life, rather than the traditional, pleasing all, J.O.Y. Jesus first, Others second, You last, version we were taught. It stings me even now to say that in writing, However, there is a life changing moment, when we learn, we are not infidels when take time for self care, we still honor our Christian heritage, still, love and do for others, yet we do not forget loving ourselves.

    • Joel, that’s what I left out. I meant to mention JOY, so I appreciate you bringing it up. I finally turned it around to Jesus, Ourselves, and You. That way, we come before everyone else. 🙂 And I know what you mean that it stings. It sounds so anti-Christian to me, but I’m keenly aware of where I landed when I put everyone else first. Exaggerated as it may sound, it was dangerous, and I wasn’t any good to anyone.

      Some of the most giving people I know, ones who really impact others’ lives, take care of themselves and set boundaries.

      Thanks for spreading JOY by way of your photography!

      • Now this is really funny, Joel. Your comments are always thought-provoking and deep, so I figured “kerioka” (I looked it up, but couldn’t find it) was another word for kairos … and it sort of was. 😉

    • Hahaha, Connie. “Me again” made me laugh out loud. 🙂 I love having you show up and tell me I’m telling “our” story. I can’t do this alone. I really can’t. #inthistogether I love you, my friend! ❤

  2. From Facebook (Kim Henson) ~

    Louise Dash Allison, Ashley Sands and 25 others

    7 shares

    Joel Carter Left a comment, complete with typos ;-). “kairos” my friend
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 3:45am · Edited

    Kim Henson Joel, I loved your comment and you’ve gotta read my response to how you spelled “kairos.” 🙂 I had to laugh at myself.
    Like · Reply · 1 · 22 hrs

    Joel Carter I actually looked it up again too,because I forgot how it was spelled in my original comment I just knew it must be misspelled. It looked too much like Karioke
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · 21 hrs · Edited

    Kim Henson Joel Carter, the whole thing was funny because I thought it was an actual word. Who knows? If you hadn’t cleared it up, I may have used it in my next blog post. lol.
    Like · Reply · 1 · 21 hrs

    Debbie Morris WOW Kim!!!! Excellent blog, sure hits a home run!!! Thank you!!!
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 7:26am

    Kim Henson Thanks so much, Debbie Morris! ❤ I appreciate you reading and commenting.
    Like · Reply · 22 hrs

    Delilah Lewis Amen girl
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 9:00am

    Kim Henson Thanks bunches, Delilah! ❤
    Like · Reply · 22 hrs

    Jean Steen Powerful words, my friend.
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 9:17am

    Kim Henson It's been a long road, Jean Steen. lol 😉 You know how us teachers like to take on the world.
    Like · Reply · 2 · 22 hrs

    Jean Steen Yep! And it's hard to change your mindset after so many years. 😊
    Unlike · Reply · 2 · 21 hrs

    Kim Henson Jean Steen, it sure is, but "mind's" a changin'. lol.
    Like · Reply · 1 · 21 hrs

    Jean Steen 😁 As you always hear, if you aren't changing you may as well be dead…or something like that! 😂😂
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · 21 hrs

    Kim Henson Exactly, and who wants that?
    Like · Reply · 15 hrs

    Jean Steen Kim Henson😂😂😂😍
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · 15 hrs

    Tammy James Quinn Me, me, me!
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 11:08am

    Kim Henson Me too, me too, me too, Tammy James Quinn! 😉
    Like · Reply · 1 · 21 hrs

    Connie Rogers So true and learning this. Trying to enjoy life and retirement. Thank you for sharing.
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 12:49pm

    Kim Henson And you so deserve to enjoy it, Connie! If you have ideas, share them because I could run out of self-care ones pretty fast. It's not my strong suit, which is why I'm working hard on it.
    Like · Reply · 21 hrs

    Connie Rogers Kim Henson your awesome and don't ever doubt that. You have touched lives with your words. You helped remind us we aren't super women but we deserve to be a SUPER WOMAN! Thank god you had a wonderful husband and family that understood your feelings. Not every woman has that support. Keep inspiring us and reminding us we are special in gods eyes already. We just forget. Love you sweet friend. 😘
    Unlike · Reply · 2 · 21 hrs

    Kim Henson Connie Rogers, I love hanging out with all my women friends who've shed their capes for tea, dessert, and talking about real life. ❤ Y'all are God's gifts. Otherwise, I sure wouldn't be here and writing.
    Like · Reply · 21 hrs

    Sally J. Taylor that was a great one.
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 12:58pm

    Kim Henson Thanks, Sally J. Taylor. Happy to have you as a reader. ❤
    Like · Reply · 21 hrs

    Joretta Clement · 2 mutual friends
    Good reading
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 2:09pm

    Kim Henson I appreciate it, Joretta Clement! ❤
    Like · Reply · 21 hrs

    Joan Pisani Loved your article! 👍👍👍
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · 23 hrs

    Kim Henson Thanks so much, Joan Pisani! ❤ I appreciate it.
    Like · Reply · 21 hrs

    Connie Gardner Kim . I love you ❤️ they get better and better, don't stop xo
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · 22 hrs

    Kim Henson Awe, you're a great cheerleader, Connie Gardner! ❤ I can't stop now.
    Like · Reply · 1 · 21 hrs

    Connie Gardner You're writing my life…..xo
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · 21 hrs

    Kim Henson Connie Gardner, I'm relieved I'm not alone.
    Like · Reply · 1 · 21 hrs

    Connie Gardner Me too . You never know.. xo walk softly has extra meaning
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · 21 hrs

    Kim Henson Connie Gardner, it does. xoxox
    Like · Reply · 1 · 21 hrs

    Barbara Suggs Great read…
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · 20 hrs

    Kim Henson Thanks for reading and commenting, Barbara Suggs. ❤
    Like · Reply · 16 hrs · Edited

  3. From Facebook (JJ Warren Synder) ~

    2

    An excellent blog post by my wise and loving friend Kim Henson. ❤️

    Barb Buckner So very true!
    Unlike · Reply · 2 · Yesterday at 12:40pm

    Kim Henson Thanks for passing this along, JJ Warren Snyder! ❤ I appreciate the comment, Barb.
    Like · Reply · 2 · 21 hrs

  4. From Facebook (Sybil Lee) ~

    Many women find themselves in this position and don’t know how to get released…

    1

    Kim Henson It’s so true, Sybil Lee. Thanks for passing this along. ❤
    Like · Reply · 21 hrs

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