Tag Archives: dealing with unlikable people

I Don’t Like You

Standard

feline-650456_960_720

“Habits change into character.” Ovid

I hate not liking people, but like my friend Betty said, “Some people are impossible to like because they don’t like themselves. The best you can do is love them, pray for them, and stay away from them.”

Nevertheless, I’ve felt guilty for detaching from unlikable friends, guilty for saying no to their invitations. I remembered my days of being unlikable. I hated being shunned and turned down. Instead of staying away from friends, I wanted to scream at them, “Change,” but I’m pretty sure they’d simply yell back, “Are you free Tuesday evening?”

“To change your life, change your habits.” Unknown

My unlikable friends seem oblivious, and even though Betty assured me the opposite is true, I’ve questioned if I’m the problem. Why do I struggle to find things I like about them? Why am I not eager to get together when they are? Why do I avoid them? Betty said, “They are unlikable and they’re unwilling to change. If anyone changes, they want it to be you, but they’re the ones who need to.”

The guilt resurfaced when a friend opposed a quote I posted online. Written by author and counselor Lucille Zimmerman, it’s a self-care tip that says, “Surround yourself with morally beautiful people. We become like those we hang around.”

My friend who disagreed implied I should hang out with all people, not just the morally beautiful. I defended myself, but then deleted it. I swapped trying to convince her I was okay in exchange for figuring it out for myself. I wanted a resolution to why I felt ashamed posting a quote that says it’s okay to hang out with people I like.

In fact, it’s not just okay. It’s a wise choice that is life-changing and character-building, so what’s up with the guilt?

pillory-996263_960_720

Shame Said …

Who are you to pick and choose among friends?

How will this make your unlikable friends feel?

What sets you apart from them anyway?

I wondered what did set me apart. I’ve known there was a difference, at least I hoped so, but I’ve never identified it. It seemed that until I figured it out, I’d be stuck with unlikable friends or guilt or both.

tunnel-73018_960_720

God Spoke Too

I got my answer in an email I’ve been saving since 2014. In it, I’d sent myself a link to an article. I found it last night while cleaning out my inbox.

In the story “Toxic People Don’t Make Exceptions,” Brianna Wiest distinguishes between friends who are flawed and messy and friends who are difficult to be around.

Brianna says being unlikable (she calls them toxic) is a habit. Most of us admit to sometimes being offensive, but not daily and we’re remorseful afterwards. Unlikable people, however, are regularly offensive and without regret. It’s a habit they hardly notice. And like Ovid’s quote, the habit turns into their character.

friend-1820040_960_720

If you’ve grappled like me with setting boundaries and letting go of unlikable friends, I hope Brianna’s article helps you also. None of us are 100 percent likable, but we can practice making it a habit and stay away from those who do the opposite. Our character depends on it, and so does having healthy relationships.

#selfcaringin2017 #whilelovingthepeopleinit

In This Together,
Kim

Boundaries of Kindness, setting limits for disagreeable people

Standard
"Kindness goes a long ways lots of times when it ought to stay at home." Kin Hubbard

“Kindness goes a long ways lots of times when it ought to stay at home.” Kin Hubbard

Wonder, wonder? I’ve done a lot of that since Ma died. I wonder how she managed to welcome me with kindness into her home no matter how rushed I acted or how far apart our visits.  

I’d stop by and stay an hour or I’d stay 10 minutes.

Sometimes I’d visit weekly. She appreciated our time together.

Other times I’d wait three months to go by. My grandmother appreciated that visit as well. Her response was always the same.

I love you. Come again when you can.”

On the other hand, there’s another family member who, time my feet stepped onto her not-so-welcome mat, said, “Well, it’s been a while.”

I tried going more often to stop the negative comments. Next, I tried going less often because I hated hearing her sarcasm.

Finally, I stopped visiting all together.

While watching a young couple I care about deal with a similar situation, I wondered again. They have friends with whom they enjoy fun and spontaneous visits. The couple also has friends who make unpleasant comments about their not-frequent-enough visits, which now makes every get-together feel like a hostage situation.

What’s up with people who choose sarcasm and manipulation as opposed to those who have figured out good friendships are rooted in respect and freedom?

I guess the answer isn’t so hard to understand. It’s easier for some of us to wield control and guilt to get what we want, rather than work on ourselves until we’re likable enough for people to want to be around us. I hate it for friends who don’t feel good enough about themselves to put aside misery and manipulation for better choices that create lasting relationships. But if I hang around them long enough, chances are I’ll become miserable and manipulative as well.

All I know to do is form boundaries of kindness … if we can be kind to each other, let’s hang out. If not, let’s love each other from a distance. 

Are you willing to live by these boundaries? How do you handle family and friends who make negative comments every time you’re together?

WRite wHere I’m supposed to be –I’m easier to get along with when I give myself permission to spend time with likable people, and when I love my not-so-likable family and friends from a distance. I hope family and friends will do the same for me.